When I was getting my undergraduate degree in Psychology a few years back, I took an interpersonal relationships class taught by a powerful teacher. His name was Dr. Gardiner. He spoke of an intimate relationship in which each person has a “profound interest” in the other. I had not heard that term before within a context of a relationship and over the years, this term has appeared over and over in my life as a guiding light for me. I see this term now as a tool for me in finding security within my most intimate relationship.
Recently, I have been wrestling with feelings of insecurity and jealousy. I have been an expert within my own mind for so long, I know that underneath all those feelings lie a blanket of fear that I seem to want to put on with frequency lately. This morning was no different. After having an emotional laden dream about my love, I awoke with feelings of heavy dread and accompanied tightness within my gut as I recalled my detailed dream. I went through in my mind all the scenarios that cause me to feel that tightened grip on my soul. I thought of past stories and imagined future stories that would cause me to feel this way. It amazes me how the mind works…I am in awe of it and at the same time, frustrated with moments like these :( I recalled in my past how open, free and secure I had once felt concerning my love and felt perplexed again of how I can feel this depth of insecurity after having felt such a beautiful cocoon wrapped around me of security and confidence. I recalled no scenario where I would feel jealous, insecure or lacking. I remember having the feeling of, “Oh well, if those things happen, they were meant to happen. Nothing I could do but be all of me and trust all will work out in the end because in the end, the authentic truth of the relationship is honored above all fear.” It seemed I had such confidence knowing the value of who I am and what my love offered. Yet, here I am, years later, struggling with that concept.
Suddenly, I heard the words, “profound interest” and I knew that above all else, I had a profound interest in my love like no other! Sure, there were others who were interested in him, to get a little taste of his charm, to feel his unabashed attention occasionally, or to check in with him when they were in need of a little guidance and wisdom. But are they profoundly interested? I think about him during the day, wonder how his day is going, believe in his journey, desire for his goals and dreams to come true and desire that I am a part of that every day. I cherish the nights we get to be together, laughing, eating and exchanging wisecracks or serious discussions on relationships and freedom. He comes home to me every night and some of those nights are filled with passion and ectasy beyond any other experience of my life. I desire to grow old with this man, to be by his side, holding his hand down the path of twilight. It’s his lips I want on mine as I take my last breath. I am in love with his soul, who he is beyond the made up definitions we use to define ourselves and our place in the world.
My security does not lie in the external world or even in any external relationship. It is not determined by the actions or feelings of others. My profound interest is the gift of security I give myself. It is mine, I own it, I feel it and when I fully embrace it, I fully express it. If he finds some joy in this gift that is expressed, my fullness expands. It’s possible that another will show up in his life and experience profound interest as well and he for them. If it shows up in a deeper way for him, how beautiful for him. As painful as It would be for me, I trust his journey, with or without me.
Profound interest in another is rare and a gift that deserves to be cherished and celebrated. I celebrate my profound interest and I am forever grateful for this experience to love another in such a deep, authentic way. Thank you my love, for the gift of your profound interest as well :) and thank you Dr. Gardiner, wherever you are. Your words still guide me today. I am forever grateful!