Archive | December 2010

Light, Energy, Love

I have come to another layer of knowledge, a knowledge that can only be defined as a light. I have this yearning, this light that knows when it has encountered truth, beauty, and greatness. For a moment when I hear a person speak or listen to the sound of my own voice as thoughts within my head, I hear certain words and they ring with such knowing, such expansion and I cannot help but label this as spirit, or energy communication, that the energy that I am tapping into either by my own thoughts or the written words of others are in alignment with the always available place of the “all knowing.”

In this sacred moment, I feel my mind expand and all possibilities enlarged with no detailing blocks , just light and a knowing that if I continue on this train of thought or devour the continuing words of others, I feel fed. I feel fed within my sphere of existence and the words and thoughts are delicious to taste within my soul. I feel joy, I feel loved, I feel peace! What then, stops this feast of my soul and causes me to choose another path?

Fear can be so loud, worry can be so constant, judgment can be so distracting, doubt can overtake my heart. Once again, I am left with the power of choice. How I experience and perceive the world and my place in it, is solely mine. I am thankful for experiencing the differences and allowing myself to let the light of divine energy uplift and carry me one breath at a time to acceptance and acknowledgment that I am here to love and be loved and that is all, and all is love. I love….

My Relationship/ My Life’s Work

Have you ever had one of those nights where you toss and turn repeatedly? Where your mind is rambling, searching, and yearning for release and answers? You find some respites of relief and drift to sleep, only to have dreams that jolt your body awake into a world of swirling thoughts and deepening turmoil?

There is that in-between world of darkened sleep and lightened conscious awakening. That is the world of answers for me. I see the patterns of my emotional world, my relationships and my yearnings. I am able to shine the light of clarity from my deepest desire to the path of my reasoned mind.

The answers are there, waiting for the light of recognition. I see that my most treasured emotional journeys have been the place of dependency on external expectations and yearnings that are only fed from something or someone “out there” in the world, to a blissful place of internal balance with no expectations, only what I desire from within myself and honoring my internal voices to be heard with the authenticity of balance.

I see now that my desire for an independent emotional life and the resulting bliss in my relationships extend beyond my intimate relationships with family and friends and reaches to the relationship with my purpose and my life’s work. In order for me to feel authentic and honest in all my relationships, I must exonerate all emotional needs of dependency.

When I feel dependent on someone or some idea, I become as the conventional world calls, “needy”. I feel weak, I feel helpless and I feel like I “lose” myself in the process of need. I feel as though a part of me is given up in my expectation that some relationship, any kind of relationship will provide for me, a need satisfied.

It is in this erroneous belief that anything out there “should” satisfy all my needs, that I find celebration to a question, once eluded. This limiting belief is impossible to accomplish for me. It leads to disappointment, pain, dissatisfaction and a hunger to find some other external supplier to know my heart and fill it’s unquenchable thirst.

I become independent with the actualization that I must walk the path of my life’s work without expectation and a knowing that as I go, I will create all that I must to fulfill my needs from within and any received consequences, no matter the form, be held in awe and gratitude for the gifts that they are.

I have found this in my most intimate relationship. There is not force. There is not expectation. There is only gratitude and love shared with the added consequence of a bliss my heart has ever known. An emotionally independent, authentic, and honest experience where the lessons learned can permeate in all my other relationships of my life.

My Witness

I look into your eyes; I see depth of love that beckons me…trust….know….feel inside myself…deep within…feel…allow. You behold all of me and delight in all you see. I know me…I found me…I embraced my all. You are not just my man, YOU are my champion. I breathe you in; you embrace and dance with my soul’s bliss. I dance with wings of forgiveness, peace, and a love like I have never known but always knew was mine. Our dance is love.

Liberation

One of my most cherished poems is by Marianne Williamson, called “Our Deepest Fear. It explains that our deepest fear is that we are more powerful then we can imagine, not the fear that we are inadequate. It’s a wake up call to be the best “me” I can and by limiting myself and keeping myself small, I dishonor myself and those around me. There is a line in it that touched me today, it says, “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” I thought to myself, what does she mean by “liberate”? So I went to my good ole dictionary and looked up the extensive definition of liberate and found it’s a formal word for “free”. I LOVE the word FREE!! To free myself from those beliefs that bind me so that my light may shine and in so doing, frees others to do the same, would be heaven on earth, I say 🙂

I have fears, but I can release or liberate those fears and free myself from the tentacles that keep me bound and stuck. I can say, “thank you fears, I hear you today, but I choose to focus on the words of “freedom” and “power” and “choice”. As I do this, the power behind those words ring louder and with permission. This feels enlightened, this feels empowering! I am with JOY!

Internal Voices

I run this morning, anxiety my constant companion. Money draining. Inward voices waking me. What to do..what to do. Fear is crippling; desperation fills my yearning soul. What to do…what to do. Get on the treadmill of a “have to” life? Find courage, breath…through tearful eyes. Trust, the answers are within. Respect the journey. Let go…open heart. Breathe deep, let peace in. Trust with patience and receive my truth…finished my run.

Lessons learned on a mountain

I have been on a more focused internal journey as of late in regards to my life’s purpose, career wise. The deli that I have owned and operated for the past few years will be closing soon and I find myself excited but also fearful at the idea. I have hired a life coach as a continual reminder to stay focused and committed to my authentic career path. I want my work to mesh with my purpose and fulfill my highest self. I have examined, probed and prodded my internal world in hopes to claim a crystal vision of my destination and purpose. To no avail. I have some ideas, like becoming a life coach myself or exploring some career in self-development but it all seems so daunting.

While I was contemplating to keep hoping for some some brilliant inspiration or just give in to fear and hopelessness and just get a job at Walmart or something, a memory ocurred to me. I remember a time, many years ago, when I was lost on a mountain…

Lost really doesn’t describe the event. I wasn’t lost, I just didn’t know how I was going to get down to where I longed to be. I had turned away from a possible path that would have taken me safely down the mountain but with hesitation, chose to turn and find another way. I didn’t trust that path. I didn’t have faith with certainty that the small path I was standing would get me to where I yearned to be. Fear had crept in and doubt, so I turned away and sought another way, any path but that one.

Before I headed in any direction I asked for external signs, whisperings, inspirations from something “out there” that knew better than I the path I must follow. After many hopes were shattered about possible paths explored, I found myself dehydrated, exhausted and totally alone. I felt abandoned, helpless and confused. I had taken paths full of hope, only to find the paths led to no where, or danger, or away from the direction I knew I needed to go. I looked to anything “out there”, the heavens, a search patrol, voices from somewhere, anything to save me from giving up.

Losing desperation and giving in to accepting my moment, I came to a thought..”is this how it ends? Is this how I’m going out of this world? Sitting here where I know in the distance is my home. I felt something build within my body and soul. Something great, something powerful. It was my rage. I raged at the external heavens above. I would not wait any longer for something “out there” to save me…I was given this drive and determination to survive, I was going to use it. I knew my direction, I knew my destination so I took a step and another and another until I was running without fear, without hesitation. I had focus. I was not going to give up. No heat, no thick oak brush, no piercing branches gouging my body would stop me. I will continue until I know I am home. I could hear the changing terrain, I could feel the change in the air but I trudged on until the leaves and branches parted and there before me was a small stream, crystal waters and a path waiting just for me to take me home.

I see that nothing will stop me from achieving my purpose. When I know what my destination is and the direction to go, the how will come. Just like that beautiful day on the mountain.

Thoughts Create Reality

I wracked my brain for a couple of weeks to think of what to write for my first blog. I became overwhelmed with the direction or the theme or the type or what profound wisdom I could share..heehee. It seems that there is so much “out there”, so many brilliant writers and creative people and I am in awe. First of all, let me say that I am thankful for all the many types of people in this world. The variety and different ways in which people choose their creative outlet is another proof of experience that  proves to me that we are all divine and unique. So, I have decided to share one of my experiences of the day.

(I took a run this morning.) That might sound like a  plain and somewhat normal decision for me because I have been used to running off and on for many years.  Mind you, I am not a fanatic ultra-marathoner, but the joy of running has certainly been known to bring me more joy than the pain of sore and exhausting muscles. As of late, however, I have struggled to keep running a consistent pattern this last year.  I had awakened at 5:00 a.m. and when sleep seemed a distant accomplishment due to the many threads of thought swirling around  in my brain, I decided to read for a couple of hours. With weepy and heavy eyes, I tried to get back to sleep but to no avail. I thought about going for a run and looked out the window. It looked cold (35 degrees)  and somewhat still drippy from the previous nights storm.” Maybe running won’t be such a great idea after all.” I could have used these reasons for staying in my warm bed, like I’ve done on previous occasions, but this morning was different. I thought to myself, “Am I going to allow a sleepy body, a little chill and a little rain get in the way of me doing an activity that, in the long run, will bring me health and positive feelings about my self? It was time for me to remember why I run in the first place. I value health. I value the feelings of self-esteem that builds within me when I am fit. I believe that exercise benefits my heart, lungs, and weight. Sure it’s easy to see the short term pleasures of staying in and cuddling up under my covers, longing for a comfortable sleep. The challenge for me in that one brief moment that flashed in a millisecond was to see what pleasure I will choose. Will I choose the short term or the long term pleasure. It seems to me that when I consistently choose my long term values, I experience a deeper joy that resonates from within.  When I stay true to those values I stay true to myself. So, yeah, I went for a run today. Nothing special to those looking in. But for me, it was a magical awareness moment.