The Power of Beliefs, A Choice & The LDS Church

My nephew came to me today regarding a very serious matter that brought up so much of my own conflict regarding my self-created belief system, the LDS Church and my path in life as a young adult. He confided in me the conflict of his girlfriend in regards to their relationship, that is getting more serious by the day, and her beliefs in the LDS Church. She has put her beliefs in the dream vision of a temple marriage and activity in a church that warmly embraces all those who believe in the same view. Yet she is conflicted because of her love and passion for a young man who does not share these same beliefs. I believe it is a crossroads for her at this time in her life.

I feel her conflict for I shared strongly in a belief system that I found no longer coincided with my behavior and passions. I had to come to some type of resolution and in psychology, I learned that I can either stop the behavior that is in conflict with my chosen belief or change my beliefs. My belief in the truthfulness of a church that in my eyes, reflected God’s will, I had to change my behaviors and I  attempted to do so, over and over and over again. I had to see myself as “weak”, “being tested”, and “unworthy”, so that I felt the motivation that is required  towards repentance and change within the system.

With this type of belief system set in place and chosen freely of myself, I painted the picture of acceptance that only included a temple marriage, activity in the church, a forever family and a path that relies on the church to be my “parent” and dictate my self-worth, self-esteem, worthiness, and the exclusion/inclusion of people and behaviors in my life. This is a very serious position to allow in my life and dictated the most important decisions of my life. I gave the power of my beliefs to a church that I regarded as God. It never occurred to me to accept my beliefs as different from those of my parent (LDS Church). For to do  would be blasphemous, “giving in” to the sins of pride, disobeying God, or relying on the Self or the unclean “world” for my truth. I couldn’t accept that.

Instead I chose to accept a belief system that continued to bring me conflict for many years to come. It wasn’t until I was 35 years old that so many conflicts arose. After many years of trying to “squeeze myself into a box” that I believed the church supported and help create with me,  I finally came to accept, as quickly as a thought, my full Self, as I am. I chose LOVE. I chose to love myself, without judgement, without right or wrong, without good or bad, without redemption or hopes of the reward of an obscure afterlife.

In that moment, my vision expanded into a feeling of joy, love and abundance. I laughed with a giddiness like never before. I realized that all along I had a choice to believe in whatever way I chose. That I was the Creator of my life experience. I could choose the small boxes that others around me believed in, even a God that others professed to know or I could throw my hands up in full acceptance of UN-knowing. I didn’t NEED to be right anymore. I didn’t NEED to know truth anymore. I stood alone with my acceptance of Myself and conflict dissolved before me.

This new path wasn’t the easy path that some in the Church would profess. There was no “easy step by step plan” to adhere to, no “follow these things and we will call you worthy, chosen and righteous” plan.  There was no path set before me except for the steps I took with each breath. It was all new to me and each day I found myself looking within as the world seemed to shout at me, “ARE YOU SURE?”.  Since that moment, I have had no conflict arise again within myself. I refuse to demean, judge harshly, hate myself, or view myself with condemning eyes. I refuse to live another dishonest day within myself or towards others about who I am and what I am about. If a God somewhere at sometime does view me with judgement, I am ready. I stand naked before that God and utter, “Here I AM! Do with me what you will, for I followed my loving eyes and chose acceptance without judgement.” I would do it again and shout it from the rooftops over and over again, despite the consequences.

There were some around me who felt the pain from my decisions, who experienced a depth of loss that is beyond words. For that, I will sorrow with them but I sorrow for their choice of beliefs that caused them to feel what they experienced. It was never my intention to hurt anyone, EVER! I had to follow my path and I have continued to feel a sense of peace and spiritual connection like never before. I feel myself as a part of a divine Universe that needs no definition. I delight in the beauty of a spring day or a thunderous night. I see God in the eyes of my neighbor and I celebrate in loving arms that choose to hold me. I gave up on fear and guilt, shame and condemnation. In doing so, my eyes were opened to all paths and a never-ending exploration of a life that, for me, has no end.

I wish I could make my nephew’s  beautiful girlfriend see that she is the creator of her beliefs and that she doesn’t have to believe in theologies that stop her from experiencing a beautiful, loving relationship with a beloved young man, who loves her unconditionally and with tenderness. Nevertheless, her journey is her own and all that she feels, chooses and believes will be a step taken that is perfect and from which she will be able to look back on with full responsibility and gratitude for a life well chosen for herself and her journey.

Gained a Mountain Bike & Perspective

 

I met an older woman yesterday in her home to buy a mountain bike of her daughter’s. It was a quick exchange but immediately saw that she was somewhat flustered because the power was out and she was trying to clean up her house and get ready. She somewhat reminded me of my mother. She mentioned that her daughter would be there soon and didn’t live with her anymore. She was in the process of cleaning carpets and getting rid of old toys and things from her basement. I could tell that having a clean house was very important to her.

Her grown daughter arrived and the mother hovered somewhat over us. I could tell that the daughter was quickly irritated by her mom’s behavior. The mother started to complain to her daughter about keeping the carpets cleaned and if we took the bike outside to test drive it, she couldn’t bring it back inside because the carpets would get messy. Exasperation exhaled out of the daughter’s mouth as we headed for the basement door. I mentioned that one day, she might miss that about her mom. She quickly responded that she’s been out of the house for quite some time now and doesn’t miss it at all. It struck me that some mother/daughter relationships were not the kind that I had with my mother. It made my heart hurt a little to hear them irritate each other and I knew that there must be layers of issues underneath all that frustration and irritation. On the outside, this family’s house looked nice and tidy with an initial church presence of the dominant religion but as I listened and observed the energy between these two women, I knew that there was so much more not being said.

It doesn’t have to be this way between them. I’m sure that they have lived this dynamic with each other for so long that they expect and believe that their relationship is typical and acceptable. I wonder how many other families go through life accepting resentment, frustration and feelings of annoyance with each other, not ever realizing that it could be, oh so different. I immediately saw that kindness and respect were not present between these women.  I wonder that if they took the time to take a breath, remove themselves from the game playing and instead infuse some patience with kindness, a shift may occur that they never experienced before. The moment of choice of something kinder or compassionate could be the “little something” that causes a shift, an interruption to their usual banter.

I wish all relationships could remember that at that moment of contention, tightness in the chest and tension felt in the air, that instead one would, in their heart, take a step back and choose kindness instead of defensiveness, and understanding instead of judgement before hurtful words come tumbling out of a heart of pain. This world would be a better place, not just for everyone, but for the Self as well.

 

 

Nurturing The Self-Concept of a Child

Do you realize that what you say and how you say it, makes an impact and influences those around you? Especially when it comes to relationship transitions, especially divorce. As a woman who has gone through divorce, I know the pain, sadness, defensiveness and feelings of “getting back” that seem to go through the very “beingness” of the self through this transition. The feelings of abandonment, rejection and hurt can consume the soul and bleed out in the words we say or yell.  The list of complaints and reasons for your pain can become never-ending. I know this story. I’ve lived this story.

Please know that it’s healthy to express and accept the feelings that arise from within. It’s important to acknowledge and honor all the layers of feeling that accompany a loss or change.  It’s  a wise one that attracts to themselves a loving support system that can hold you and listen without being pulled in to your “story”. Having an empathetic support system is a necessity for continued growth through the process of loss and change.

However, there is one place where your words of pain, despair, hurt and spite need to be withdrawn and injected with the offering of your highest self and that’s when a child is involved. Your child is a part of you and part of the “other” that you chose to create life with. It’s not their fault that you, as parents, are experiencing anything other than love. What you say and how you speak about the “other” is a reflection of them. A child views themselves, even unconsciously, as a part of both of you and to talk disparaging about the other, leads to the child feeling that they are part of that negative view, as well. A child is in the beginning stages of developing their self-image. If they hear that one of the people that created them is somehow “less than”, they will also take those puzzle pieces of “less than” and attach them to their self-construct as well.

I know it’s not easy to make a different choice. Just like anything else, it takes awareness and practice.  There are moments when you will be  faced with the immediate satisfaction of spilling forth all manner of toxic speech or being aware in the moment and choosing something different. You have the freedom to choose something painful to the ears of your child or  choosing to say something positive about the one that helped create them. By choosing positive, you are choosing the honorable space. The honorable space is that of the child not the “other”. This is the highest place of respect for your child and their concept of their highest self. 

I’m not claiming that there are not negative aspects of the “other”, I’m inviting you to let your support system hear those views and not your child. It is not your child’s job to support you. It is not their job to be your listening ear. It is not their job to feel the pressure of “saving” you from your pain. They need to witness the certainty of a strong parent to know that things will be okay. When they observe a parent that acknowledges the best of what the “other” contributed to their creation, their hearts will expand and the love for themselves can grow knowing that they are the “best” of both of you.

It’s a challenge to remember the reasons that you “fell” for that significant other. The elements that attracted you to that person is still there, even though they may be hard to see today. Become aware in those moments and choose to utter the positives. It will surprise you how good it feels knowing that you are supporting a positive self-image that will nourish your child instead of breaking their heart.

If your ex “other” really is a jerk and all the negative things you perceive are accurate, trust that through everyday experiences, your children will learn on their own the truth of the situation. Honor their journey and experiences and trust that they will find their truths as they grow. In this natural way, they will be able to separate their parent’s negative traits from their own and a healthy, positive self construct will be the result. 

My heart goes out to those of you in transition with relationships where you feel pain and hurt. There is an open door that leads to light and joy and speaking in an honorable way, especially in connection to your child, will bring you steps closer to that door.