Tag Archive | feelings

Wine, writing and Billy Joel

I came home from work today and decided that since I’m alone for just a bit, I would sip a glass of wine, listen to music and write. I feel so grown up. I’ve got this big beautiful house, money in the bank, wine on my lips, a job I enjoy and today, for a minute, I feel like a grownup. At 51, I wonder when I will ever feel truly grown up. I’ve always felt that I’m living a young life and never have I really grown into my big girl shoes. This age thing is quite a trip! I look in the mirror and I see that time has marched on but truly, I don’t see it all that much. I feel young inside, except my chronic back pain. That doesn’t feel young! But my body still looks good as far as I can tell. I’ve always tried to stay in shape and sometimes people think, I’m a bit crazy with it but I think, as long as I can do it, I’ll just keep doing it.

(Song in the background)

Billy Joel…wow, that takes me back. Marisha’s little talent show in 3rd grade. We worked so hard on that routine and her little body groovin to the music while she memorized all the words to “We didn’t start the fire”.  Who does that? What girl in 3rd grade can do that?  THAT girl, for sure 🙂  What a joy it has been being her momma! I have to say, I took some pride in her intelligence. Like somehow I was responsible for some of it…that’s funny to me now. The world is better because she’s in it.

Billy Joel was more around during my high school years. Can’t help but think of my teenage friends. We were so clueless but trying our best. Life was so open and full of possibilities. I had no idea how precious that was to feel back then. I see time shorter on what might be,  instead of what has been and it blows my mind. What am I leaving behind to show I was here? It’s strange to think that sometime in the future, no one will even know I existed. Wow!  I wish I could have impacted the world in a greater way than just being one of many that came and went. But I don’t know how else to be or what else to do to make a big difference. I’m so glad I had my children. At least for a time, I can live on through their memories. That will be nice and I better not out live any of them. That would destroy me. 😦  I’m so glad I met my Ex and we loved, once. He was so much of my first lifetime and I wish I could have made his life happier. My heart will always see his sad eyes and weep. I wish I could have been his view of joy, instead of regret.

I’m so glad I get to live another lifetime in this one. One in which I can be honest, authentic and truly be all of me, accepted and loved fully. So many others just don’t get that chance and I know it. I wish everyone could be taught what true love is really about. Not the false possession and control that is modeled so much. Okay, so here’s one of my greatest wishes. I wish I could have been a brilliant writer and speaker that shares my story about finding oneself and accepting, with compassion, one’s mere existence as worthy. I wish others heard my story and felt like they could also do the same. I would go and speak all over the country, meeting others who also share my passion about relationships and the road from religion, spirituality to agnostic/atheism and they realize they are not alone. I would have liked to look back on my life and see a lifetime of education and work to mark my path and passion. That I could leave a legacy for others to follow. How grand that would have been. I would see a life full of exposure to intelligence and educators as mentors and leaders. What a path that would have been. One pursued in excellence of academia. I would be called Dr. Susan, with tons of experience and knowledge to back it up. My life has been amazing, don’t get me wrong. But it seems to have been so small. My experience, so narrow. I’ve lived in one place and my world seems so small sometimes. I realize i must like it, for I choose it this way. I’ve always followed my energy and now I see that some of my energy has waned. What to do with the time I have left?  That’s the question, isn’t it? Where do I go from here? Who knows….for now I’ll just sit and sip and listen to Billy Joel for a while.   🙂

 

 

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A thought & a belief walk into a bar…

As I took a walk today, my mind took me back to a past memory, tucked away. I recalled a time when he and I were together at a gym. We had been  going through some rough times. As I was running on the treadmill next to him, I suddenly visualized myself alone, without him next to me, and the lightness of my body and the seemingly expansion of my soul was undeniable. It was instantaneous and lasted mere seconds but it was expansive to my soul in that moment. All I could do was feel, not think, but experience myself within that moment.  What was that all about? Why did I feel such exhalation? What did it all mean? It is only today as I study more and more about the processes of the mind, biology,  the power of intention, decision making, trusting the self and manifestation that I realize that  the clues have always been there just waiting to be deciphered.

I don’t know why the thought came to me to visualize myself without him but the results were empowering. Of course, then the guilt set in and I found myself judging myself for even thinking of the thought let alone feeling so happy within my mind and body.  It’s as if my soul was soaring with the visualization. How can the visualization of a separation be something so empowering and enlightening? How could not having someone by my side whom I love, be a freeing experience? I could not deny my powerful moment but I COULD ignore it, or wish it away. I could even lie to myself and tell myself it didn’t really mean anything or it didn’t really happen that way.

What I had not discovered yet was that my truth was sharing itself with me in the only way it could. Through my senses,  together with my mind.

I have always heard people say and even myself say, I trust myself or I don’t trust myself but what I see today is that I trust myself in every moment. Trust is an acceptance of a believing thought and that  what I feel in each moment,  as I define it by my perspective, IS the truth for me. If I believe thoughts that bring me pain, suffering, hopelessness, sadness or anger along with revenge, my body feels the effects of that thought. My body feels small, even sickly like my energy is draining. I feel out of control, loss, and fear. So much fear. So I can say with certainty that I trust myself. I am choosing to believe the thoughts that cause my self to feel the effects. I am trusting that the thoughts I have are my truth, in that moment and yet the effects bring me pain, smallness, anger, stress, jealousy, envy and hate. My world becomes small in an instant. My heart feels small, tight and constricted. The father of all of these constricting emotions is FEAR. Fear of rejection, being out of control, not knowing, abandonment, failure, looking inward, losing and being judged. Yet, I trust these beliefs so much. I trust them as my truth otherwise, I wouldn’t experience these emotions.

I’ve learned one big lesson since I’ve uncovered this connection between believing thoughts and experiencing an emotional response. It  is: Do not judge myself when I feel. Let me repeat that, do NOT judge myself when I feel!  I didn’t realize how much shame is involved in feeling. Somewhere along the way, I accepted the teachings that feelings were something to be controlled, not felt, or they should be denied. Especially if they were viewed as negative, in nature. Along with those teachings, I became my biggest critic. I would immediately judge any negative or fearful emotion and shut myself down, without having the freedom of acceptance to examine why I was feeling what I was. It was unacceptable to feel the way I was, so I would attempt to stifle, ignore or deny what I was truly feeling.

When  I was negatively affected by another person, I would immediately judge my feelings and to escape the dark feelings, I would put myself in the others shoes and start to justify why they would do or feel as they do. Unknowingly, I was honoring their feelings over mine. I was being dishonest about my feelings and not owning them first before viewing myself through the eyes of the other. As Author Byron Katy has written, “I was in their business when I needed to  be in MY business”.  I would start to talk to myself about how “wrong” I was to feel as I did. I was being inauthentic to myself.  I believe people are mostly afraid of negative feelings because we have too often been the witness of someone who has seemed out of control of their emotions. The result was usually some kind of destructive behavior being taken out on others and pain was the consequence.

What I didn’t realize is that when I feel emotion, I don’t have to REACT on what I’m feeling. I can just “be” with the feelings. I don’t have to act. I don’t even have to react and judge them. Just feel. Let the feelings flow through my body and take notice to what my body is feeling. This type of acceptance and “being” with my emotions, creates a space to delve deeper and explore the belief systems that lie below the surface of my emotions. I can find what I am believing that is causing me so much pain. Once I get to that belief, I can  question how true it is for me or not, not just for that moment but as a whole belief. I can question myself if it is something that is always true, has always been true for me under all circumstances in my life?  The next question is, do I want to continue believing this thought or do I want to change it? Now it’s time to get honest here. There are rewards in believing thoughts, even negative ones. It’s time to look at those rewards and see if I am really willing to give them up for a different belief system. Even if the answer if no, the action of taking responsibility for a belief system is powerful. Then I  can really claim this belief as an empowered individual instead of feeling like a victim by it. I  can believe it with vigor, knowing that I am  choosing to do so completely with awareness.

When a person is aware, they can claim what they feel and how they believe and it can become a part of them, instead of something they need to avoid, hide or deny. I have felt my wholeness expand as my belief systems are revealed and claimed. I no longer have to be afraid of my emotions. I am a safe place to feel without the damning judgements that used to be my companions.

On the other end of the negative emotions, there are other thoughts to believe in that bring me different physical and mental experiences. Feelings and emotions connected to the thoughts that bring me joy, love, confidence,  empowerment, strength, fulfillment, happiness, peace, abundance and prosperity. I am also believing those thoughts as well and feeling the consequences within my body. I find myself accepting of these types of emotions without feeling the need to explore my underlying beliefs. I usually allow these feelings to flow through me and the result is usually some kind of uplifting experience for me. My world becomes bigger and brighter with a love that can bring me to my knees, at times.

More often then not, I enjoy feeling my more uplifting emotions. I yearn to be at peace and have love in my heart. This is the type of experience I will attempt to choose over and over. Therefore, when I do feel a negative emotion or feeling, I now see these emotions as   messengers to examine what the beliefs are that underlie these feelings. If I am to shift and return to my home of peace, I must accept the offer to explore and undercover, decide and shift, if that is what I truly desire. It’s always a wake up call to get honest with myself and then see if I want to stay there or move on.

Knowing now the connection of belief and biology, what did that mean that fateful day on my treadmill and my expansive vision? Somewhere, below the denial and pain, I believed that I would be better off alone. I saw myself running on my own,  free. Did I come to trust that belief? Was I willing to risk it all to be free? I ran and I still run…FREE 🙂