I came home from work today and decided that since I’m alone for just a bit, I would sip a glass of wine, listen to music and write. I feel so grown up. I’ve got this big beautiful house, money in the bank, wine on my lips, a job I enjoy and today, for a minute, I feel like a grownup. At 51, I wonder when I will ever feel truly grown up. I’ve always felt that I’m living a young life and never have I really grown into my big girl shoes. This age thing is quite a trip! I look in the mirror and I see that time has marched on but truly, I don’t see it all that much. I feel young inside, except my chronic back pain. That doesn’t feel young! But my body still looks good as far as I can tell. I’ve always tried to stay in shape and sometimes people think, I’m a bit crazy with it but I think, as long as I can do it, I’ll just keep doing it.
(Song in the background)
Billy Joel…wow, that takes me back. Marisha’s little talent show in 3rd grade. We worked so hard on that routine and her little body groovin to the music while she memorized all the words to “We didn’t start the fire”. Who does that? What girl in 3rd grade can do that? THAT girl, for sure 🙂 What a joy it has been being her momma! I have to say, I took some pride in her intelligence. Like somehow I was responsible for some of it…that’s funny to me now. The world is better because she’s in it.
Billy Joel was more around during my high school years. Can’t help but think of my teenage friends. We were so clueless but trying our best. Life was so open and full of possibilities. I had no idea how precious that was to feel back then. I see time shorter on what might be, instead of what has been and it blows my mind. What am I leaving behind to show I was here? It’s strange to think that sometime in the future, no one will even know I existed. Wow! I wish I could have impacted the world in a greater way than just being one of many that came and went. But I don’t know how else to be or what else to do to make a big difference. I’m so glad I had my children. At least for a time, I can live on through their memories. That will be nice and I better not out live any of them. That would destroy me. 😦 I’m so glad I met my Ex and we loved, once. He was so much of my first lifetime and I wish I could have made his life happier. My heart will always see his sad eyes and weep. I wish I could have been his view of joy, instead of regret.
I’m so glad I get to live another lifetime in this one. One in which I can be honest, authentic and truly be all of me, accepted and loved fully. So many others just don’t get that chance and I know it. I wish everyone could be taught what true love is really about. Not the false possession and control that is modeled so much. Okay, so here’s one of my greatest wishes. I wish I could have been a brilliant writer and speaker that shares my story about finding oneself and accepting, with compassion, one’s mere existence as worthy. I wish others heard my story and felt like they could also do the same. I would go and speak all over the country, meeting others who also share my passion about relationships and the road from religion, spirituality to agnostic/atheism and they realize they are not alone. I would have liked to look back on my life and see a lifetime of education and work to mark my path and passion. That I could leave a legacy for others to follow. How grand that would have been. I would see a life full of exposure to intelligence and educators as mentors and leaders. What a path that would have been. One pursued in excellence of academia. I would be called Dr. Susan, with tons of experience and knowledge to back it up. My life has been amazing, don’t get me wrong. But it seems to have been so small. My experience, so narrow. I’ve lived in one place and my world seems so small sometimes. I realize i must like it, for I choose it this way. I’ve always followed my energy and now I see that some of my energy has waned. What to do with the time I have left? That’s the question, isn’t it? Where do I go from here? Who knows….for now I’ll just sit and sip and listen to Billy Joel for a while. 🙂