Do you realize that what you say and how you say it, makes an impact and influences those around you? Especially when it comes to relationship transitions, especially divorce. As a woman who has gone through divorce, I know the pain, sadness, defensiveness and feelings of “getting back” that seem to go through the very “beingness” of the self through this transition. The feelings of abandonment, rejection and hurt can consume the soul and bleed out in the words we say or yell. The list of complaints and reasons for your pain can become never-ending. I know this story. I’ve lived this story.
Please know that it’s healthy to express and accept the feelings that arise from within. It’s important to acknowledge and honor all the layers of feeling that accompany a loss or change. It’s a wise one that attracts to themselves a loving support system that can hold you and listen without being pulled in to your “story”. Having an empathetic support system is a necessity for continued growth through the process of loss and change.
However, there is one place where your words of pain, despair, hurt and spite need to be withdrawn and injected with the offering of your highest self and that’s when a child is involved. Your child is a part of you and part of the “other” that you chose to create life with. It’s not their fault that you, as parents, are experiencing anything other than love. What you say and how you speak about the “other” is a reflection of them. A child views themselves, even unconsciously, as a part of both of you and to talk disparaging about the other, leads to the child feeling that they are part of that negative view, as well. A child is in the beginning stages of developing their self-image. If they hear that one of the people that created them is somehow “less than”, they will also take those puzzle pieces of “less than” and attach them to their self-construct as well.
I know it’s not easy to make a different choice. Just like anything else, it takes awareness and practice. There are moments when you will be faced with the immediate satisfaction of spilling forth all manner of toxic speech or being aware in the moment and choosing something different. You have the freedom to choose something painful to the ears of your child or choosing to say something positive about the one that helped create them. By choosing positive, you are choosing the honorable space. The honorable space is that of the child not the “other”. This is the highest place of respect for your child and their concept of their highest self.
I’m not claiming that there are not negative aspects of the “other”, I’m inviting you to let your support system hear those views and not your child. It is not your child’s job to support you. It is not their job to be your listening ear. It is not their job to feel the pressure of “saving” you from your pain. They need to witness the certainty of a strong parent to know that things will be okay. When they observe a parent that acknowledges the best of what the “other” contributed to their creation, their hearts will expand and the love for themselves can grow knowing that they are the “best” of both of you.
It’s a challenge to remember the reasons that you “fell” for that significant other. The elements that attracted you to that person is still there, even though they may be hard to see today. Become aware in those moments and choose to utter the positives. It will surprise you how good it feels knowing that you are supporting a positive self-image that will nourish your child instead of breaking their heart.
If your ex “other” really is a jerk and all the negative things you perceive are accurate, trust that through everyday experiences, your children will learn on their own the truth of the situation. Honor their journey and experiences and trust that they will find their truths as they grow. In this natural way, they will be able to separate their parent’s negative traits from their own and a healthy, positive self construct will be the result.
My heart goes out to those of you in transition with relationships where you feel pain and hurt. There is an open door that leads to light and joy and speaking in an honorable way, especially in connection to your child, will bring you steps closer to that door.
claimyourlife 