Tag Archive | joy

Wine, writing and Billy Joel

I came home from work today and decided that since I’m alone for just a bit, I would sip a glass of wine, listen to music and write. I feel so grown up. I’ve got this big beautiful house, money in the bank, wine on my lips, a job I enjoy and today, for a minute, I feel like a grownup. At 51, I wonder when I will ever feel truly grown up. I’ve always felt that I’m living a young life and never have I really grown into my big girl shoes. This age thing is quite a trip! I look in the mirror and I see that time has marched on but truly, I don’t see it all that much. I feel young inside, except my chronic back pain. That doesn’t feel young! But my body still looks good as far as I can tell. I’ve always tried to stay in shape and sometimes people think, I’m a bit crazy with it but I think, as long as I can do it, I’ll just keep doing it.

(Song in the background)

Billy Joel…wow, that takes me back. Marisha’s little talent show in 3rd grade. We worked so hard on that routine and her little body groovin to the music while she memorized all the words to “We didn’t start the fire”.  Who does that? What girl in 3rd grade can do that?  THAT girl, for sure 🙂  What a joy it has been being her momma! I have to say, I took some pride in her intelligence. Like somehow I was responsible for some of it…that’s funny to me now. The world is better because she’s in it.

Billy Joel was more around during my high school years. Can’t help but think of my teenage friends. We were so clueless but trying our best. Life was so open and full of possibilities. I had no idea how precious that was to feel back then. I see time shorter on what might be,  instead of what has been and it blows my mind. What am I leaving behind to show I was here? It’s strange to think that sometime in the future, no one will even know I existed. Wow!  I wish I could have impacted the world in a greater way than just being one of many that came and went. But I don’t know how else to be or what else to do to make a big difference. I’m so glad I had my children. At least for a time, I can live on through their memories. That will be nice and I better not out live any of them. That would destroy me. 😦  I’m so glad I met my Ex and we loved, once. He was so much of my first lifetime and I wish I could have made his life happier. My heart will always see his sad eyes and weep. I wish I could have been his view of joy, instead of regret.

I’m so glad I get to live another lifetime in this one. One in which I can be honest, authentic and truly be all of me, accepted and loved fully. So many others just don’t get that chance and I know it. I wish everyone could be taught what true love is really about. Not the false possession and control that is modeled so much. Okay, so here’s one of my greatest wishes. I wish I could have been a brilliant writer and speaker that shares my story about finding oneself and accepting, with compassion, one’s mere existence as worthy. I wish others heard my story and felt like they could also do the same. I would go and speak all over the country, meeting others who also share my passion about relationships and the road from religion, spirituality to agnostic/atheism and they realize they are not alone. I would have liked to look back on my life and see a lifetime of education and work to mark my path and passion. That I could leave a legacy for others to follow. How grand that would have been. I would see a life full of exposure to intelligence and educators as mentors and leaders. What a path that would have been. One pursued in excellence of academia. I would be called Dr. Susan, with tons of experience and knowledge to back it up. My life has been amazing, don’t get me wrong. But it seems to have been so small. My experience, so narrow. I’ve lived in one place and my world seems so small sometimes. I realize i must like it, for I choose it this way. I’ve always followed my energy and now I see that some of my energy has waned. What to do with the time I have left?  That’s the question, isn’t it? Where do I go from here? Who knows….for now I’ll just sit and sip and listen to Billy Joel for a while.   🙂



It’s a Matter of Trust

My “lightbulb” moment came to me as I was taking a walk yesterday around my neighborhood. While listening to the shuffle selection of my ipod, the title of “Affirmations” started. I chose to listen for awhile.

My mind and heart felt open as I listened and then the words, “I choose to trust myself” was being stated. I thought to myself, “How many times have I heard those words? What does that mean to “trust myself”? Do I trust myself?”.

Recalling past moments of conflict, I have heard my voice and others say that they don’t trust themselves or that they are afraid to trust themselves, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks…”I trust myself ALL the time. In fact, I am always trusting myself…ALWAYS!”. What? Is that possible? How can that be? Then my answer came…

Whenever I think a thought and believe in that thought, it is always accompanied by some physical experience as well. For example, sometimes I have the thought that states, “I am a failure”. Almost instantaneously my body feels weaker and I feel a smallness in my being. It feels as if someone put the shades down over my essence. My gaze is downward and anything I see or think about feels “less than”. This is my clue that I “believe” in the thought.

On the other hand, there are times when I have a thought like, “My life is a gift”. I experience the feelings of that thought and my mind feels expanded, my heart feels bigger and my very being feels lighter. Again, here is my clue that I “believe” in this thought.

Each thought that I believe in is accompanied by a physical experience. If I were to get scientific here, thoughts are energy and are felt on many different levels or waves or vibrations (pick your choice 🙂 ). Because we are human and live by definitions, I define those thoughts that are accompanied by expansion, fullness, lightness, and peace as my most high serving beliefs. Those thoughts that are accompanied with tightness within, smallness, pulling within, sadness and pain are my low serving beliefs. Truly I don’t believe there are actual highs and lows, good or bad or right or wrong beliefs, only experiences but it’s easier to define them in how I feel they serve me in the moment.

There are many thoughts that are rambling around in my head consciously and unconsciously throughout the day. It is an illusion to think that I can “control” my thoughts. What I CAN do is recognize that I am “believing” in a certain thought when I physically experience the result of that thought. I CAN also consciously practice choosing what thoughts to focus on throughout the day. This strengthens my “belief” in these types of thoughts.

The belief is the trusting act that is being expressed. My believing is an act of trust. I can honestly say that I am trusting myself with EVERY thought that I believe in. This makes sense to me because I remember thinking previously that I do trust myself but that doesn’t necessarily lead to wonderful things such as success, joy, peace or love. In fact, many of my thought beliefs have led me to sadness, pain, suffering, anger and hopelessness. Yet, I had always thought that for the most part, I trusted myself. My inaccuracy has been the belief that when I trusted myself it would result in experiencing all the beautiful things of this world. If I didn’t get those expanding, enlightening experiences, I thought I must not have trusted myself. This is new for me. This is mind expanding for me :).

I have many thoughts so it’s up to me to take responsibility in choosing the ones I have been believing in. For me, I am committed to choosing to believe in thoughts that bring me joy, peace, love and expansion of my experiences in life. I do not deny that I have lower serving thoughts but I will no longer consciously allow them to hold a place of belief within me. That is my practice today.

I can go through life now knowing that I absolutely trust myself at all times. In fact, it’s impossible NOT to trust myself. Each thought I believe in shows that I am trusting myself for I chose to believe in that thought. That IS trust in itself.

Now, where do I want to place that trust in this moment? That is the gift given to me each day. What about you?

Dance with the Divine

The words dance before me as if in an answer to a dream, a dream that awakens within my soul. I voice the words and the tears of truth fall from my eyes in recognition. Has my vision always been so small? Bowing down to the gods of doubt, I have laid upon the alter of disbelief. It felt like home. I knew this place so well.

I dance, and as I dance I move to the rhythm of a pattern learned long ago and yet, there is something new. A turn, a direction that beckons my soul. “Where have you been?”, it says. “I have been dancing by you all your life and it is only now that you glance and notice me?”.

What joy I feel as I observe myself with new eyes, watching, learning, remembering the dance of my truth. I have danced it all my life and defined it differently. Such a silly girl 🙂 I see now, my vision expands and I stride with a surety that the divine has always been through me, waiting for the light of awareness to meet.

Touch my soul with light and love. I dance with renewed grace, an observant choice of compassion and beauty. Dance with me divine. Encircle my world with the beauty of your passion. Embrace me with your warm welcoming. I am here. I see you. I am complete. We are One.

In gratitude, I danced yesterday, I dance today and look forward to many dances to come.