A Qualified Life Coach?

There was a time, not very long ago where I doubted myself and felt as if I needed some academic letters behind my name in order to be “taken seriously” or would be “qualified” to establish myself as a life coach. But I look again at the word, “life coach”. My whole LIFE has been my learning ground.

I look back on my life and see the times where I tried over and over without success to “overcome” my dark places, my “bad” behaviors, my “sinful” nature. I didn’t realize that the process in which I was told would rid me of my darkest self only made me damn myself over and over. For inevitably I would “give in” and my weakness would win out once again.

It never dawned on me in my consciousness that the problem for me was the “process” in which I was attempting to solve my imperfection, my emotional yearnings that hurt others, and my behaviors that led me to despise my weakness inside. “Why wasn’t I strong enough to change?”, I kept asking myself over and over. “Why was I so weak?” I never gave up hope that someday I would “make it” and be strong and finally overcome the conflict which was “ME”.

Unconsciously I had chosen to take an external process that I was taught and tried for years to apply it to my internal world but all that caused for me was conflict. I came up with all kinds of internal strategies from many different angles to align myself with this external process and find peace, but to no avail.

Only when I allowed myself to experience the most lowest level of existence, the place where choice was placed before me as to whether I wanted to live a life spiritually alive or spiritually dead, was my eyes opened to a new process. This process was either a choice of darkness, self-judgment, damnation and imperfection or a choice of light, unconditional love of the self, acceptance of the self, perfection and peace.

They were paths only. My choice. My experience to choose. No pleading, no guidance, no yearning from without. Each one held the principles of itself, the truth of its experience. They were stretched before me. I chose life, light, unconditional love and acceptance. I knew I held the power of choice.

Life is held before me each day. All is a gift and I have a choice to allow my eyes to be opened to all that lie before me and with gratitude play in the sandbox of life, or I can choose to stay in the darkness of my own limiting beliefs. Each day, each moment. The gift is choice.

So, do I have the credentials to be a life coach? I have felt the agony and suffering of some of my past choices and have felt the over abundance of love exploding from my chest with each day I live as I now live in a world of authenticity, open to the experience of life, gratitude for life’s gifts and with awe see the divine all around me.

Letters would be nice, accolades from an external world would be welcomed but I sit here alone, in awe of the perfection of the world and the power of a divine universe. “Being” is enough. It is all. I am loved.

Yeah, I am a qualified life coach 🙂

The “Mask”

I know what it’s like to live with the mask on;
I know the feeling of shame, guilt and unworthiness that keeps the mask on;
I know the power of denial and the need to hold on tight to the fear that expands the mask;
I couldn’t give in, I wouldn’t give in to the secrets behind the mask;
To face my Self would be death to me and my life;
I give in to the weight of the mask; my hope is that in death I will be free of the mask…

But wait, there is something in the darkness…
There is a spark of choice waiting for me to accept or deny;
I can accept that choice and live, or deny it, and die.
That spark is… love.
Love FOR ME.
An action of choice that is pure, strong, and waits;
There is no begging for acceptance, there is no hoping to be picked;
Just waiting.. in the darkness… existing… BEing;

I chose to love that day.
I chose that spark that was waiting; waiting to be chosen or not.
Just for me, it was always waiting, always existing;
I chose to look into the darkness and I found the light…but in that moment it was choice that set me free from the mask that hid me;
It was love that embraced my soul with laughter!

I see…. I choose… I LIVE…I LOVE!!

Masculine/Feminine….Ahhh Ha!

It is amazing to discover the feeling of alignment within myself that includes the embracing of my feminine energy and the symbiotic amercement that is possible to create the result of abundance in all areas of my life, financially and otherwise.

I have discovered today why there is so much conflict within myself to combine my rational need to gain financial security with my desire to follow my purpose, create from the heart, contribute from my soul and allow my spirit to flow freely. I have discovered that there is conflict between the two for one is coming from the masculine energy to “provide” and the other is coming from my natural state of feminine energy to act with inspiration and creativity. The masculine energy is at odds with my more natural feminine energy and of course, there would be conflict! How could there not?

I have only had a model of masculine energy when it comes to providing for a family which is competition, adrenaline and the desire to provide, which I truly see now with honor and understanding. I can now see that masculine energy and actually look upon it with awe and gratitude. However, it is not my energy and the feminine energy of nurturing has been modeled by me as women who feel from the heart, are willing to give and love unconditionally, but does not “bring home the bacon”, so to speak 🙂 No wonder my turmoil has been so long and so deep.

I see now that I must create a hybrid type of model that combines the feminine energy within my being as a foundation and yet, keep that energy and express my gifts of that energy even as a way to create prosperity, financially and in all areas. I see now, that if I tried to only tap into the masculine, I would succeed financially but feel empty and drained because competition and adrenaline are not natural energy producers for the feminine. I could stay in the feminine and nurture, create and flow but I would use up all my savings and be homeless and naked on the streets…(not really, but it is a dramatic vision 🙂 )

I am eating up and trusting a process that is opening my eyes further and widening my feminine wings each day and it is delicious to me. It is my desire with patience and trust that I am on my path to meld this hybrid and not settle for less than living on purpose, with my full feminine energy intact and expanding.

I love how the universe is magical in its own time and vision is clear when we are ready to see it. And so I go…

20 Degrees

Before I went on my run this morning, I looked outside and read the temperature as 20 degrees. The sun was shining brightly but I knew that in order to keep challenging my excuses and complete my run, I would have to prepare for the chill that would soon be felt upon my being.

As I came to my destination and began my run, I realized that my life can be a model for this run, this day. Keeping fit and exercising is my immediate goal as is living my purpose each day. As in my exercise mentality, I must not let excuses get in my way of living my purpose to the fullest. If I do choose excuses, as sometimes happens, my purpose is still being acted upon but at a very low level, such as when I do not choose to exercise for the day. I still am moving and functioning but it is at a low level and not serving my heart and lung health optimally.

As I continued on my run, the ground beneath me was covered with a light blanket of snow and in places, somewhat slippery. I found myself going a bit slower, more cautious and sometimes having to follow a different path altogether. Again, this can be like my life. My life’s path may require more of my attention at times. I might experience movement that requires flexibility and change in order to continue my journey. I might choose to slow down or speed up, sidestep or even follow a different path altogether, and yet I run and move forward. My motion stays strongly committed and focused but the style and direction may change as my path presents itself with variety.

I prepared myself with proper clothing and what I thought might be necessary for optimum warmth during my run, just as I can respect the preparation needed for my life’s purpose. If I was a first time runner, it would have been a gift to ask those who have run before me, how they would prepare. So, as I head into 2011, I will continue to be open to those teachers before me who know, with experience, how to prepare myself to live my chosen direction to fulfill my purpose to the utmost highest level.

For today, I’m grateful for the choice to run in 20 degree weather and gain so much with each step. I look forward to many more steps in 2011 🙂