I’m not getting any younger and each day as I remind myself of that fact, I find myself, for a moment, reflecting on some of the “take aways” I have learned along my path.
One of the biggest lesson’s I’ve learned is that there are many authority figures who have come and continue to be a part of my life and truly everyone’s life. Whether the authority figure is a real human, someone in a career capacity or any teacher that has influenced a person’s life, there continues to be authority figures around each of us. I looked to my parents, teachers, spiritual and religious concepts and even intimate relationships that were and some that continue to be my authority symbols throughout my life.
The large lesson I have learned along the way is that I CHOSE every one of those authority figures to accept them as such and in such a way that they influenced my decisions, my footsteps in life and even my search for meaning in this life and beyond. Unaware as I was growing up, I automatically allowed certain figures and concepts to guide me as I continued to breathe in and out everyday. It wasn’t until my mid to late thirties when I started to become truly self aware and observe my inner world, that I started to see that I alone, held the key to these authority figures. In a way, I had accepted the creation of them, without question and yet some of those influences of authority that I was accepting, caused me extreme conflict within myself and limited my ability to take full responsibility for my life. There seemed to be always something “out there” that I could look to for guidance, to save me, to watch over me, or begging for advice, for answers to a pleading prayer, that if the outcome or solution didn’t arise, I could blame myself for not being “enough” to either hear the answers, or be aware of the answers or be worthy enough for the guidance or even be “enough” for the peace I was pleading for. The voices inside my head were always at battle, it seemed.
I got tired of the “blame the victim” mentality that I see is now, is a manipulative and controlling behavior of an abuser. The abuser just happened to be religious teachings made from the pulpit, lectured in seminary and conversed about in religious meetings and bishop interviews. If I wasn’t seeing the results I desired, or felt the things I should, to be “worthy”, well, then that’s all MY fault, MY weakness, MY brokenness. The automatic “go to” was to search within for what was wrong with me and how to go about fixing myself. The problem was, I found it almost impossible, year after year, to “fix” what I now know to be the foundation of my very nature. I was being smothered by constriction, by authority, by the need to feel loved, accepted and worthy of god and others. It never occurred to me that I had stopped loving myself a long time ago. I needed to look inward, not for salvation but for compassion, love, acceptance and empathy. I needed to trust myself and my power within, to be independent, strong, loving and free. I needed to embrace myself with confidence despite knowing that there would be those who would not be able to stay with me on this path of self awareness and acceptance.
I knew deep down that I would lose those who would feel insecure, angry and frightened if I could not be held down by my own chains. If I unlocked those chains, what would I become? Who would I be? How could others stand strong and love me anyway. As I saw the raw skin that had been bound for so long around my wrists, my legs and ultimately, my heart, I began to lovingly touch the painful compressed imprints of constriction that had once served me and was now set free to heal, layer by layer. My world begged for me to stop. Stop breaking their hearts. That by saving myself, I was peeling the bond of another that had once brought me laughter, children, and dancing days. As I witnessed their tears and saw their pain, I had to stand and even though I was weak and shaking, I had to let go of the other and reach for my own soul. As I reached my wholeness, I still tended to look back and feel the pangs of what was, from time to time. How I wish I could have saved myself and saved us but I must accept the reality of what had to be. The heart can still taste the flavor of your love and smiles. I choose to remember the joyous view of our time together and celebrate those who saw me and chose to stay, with love.
I have now lived my life out loud for many years. I call it my second lifetime and the peace within my own mind is priceless. There is no conflict, only acceptance. There is no sense of worthiness, just Beingness. The painful pieces and exhaustive energy of my past are part of the magnificent wholeness that is my life and the accumulation of myself, here, now, present. What I only thought could be achieved after my death, in heaven, when I had paid the price of this life and endured my weaknesses and brokenness, has now been experienced daily for years!! Salvation is not something I have to wait for. It is now celebrated everyday, in all ways, today! I don’t have to hope or wait for another life, for THIS life is full of joy, peace, wholeness, healing and embracing. I turned to myself with trust, compassion and empathy and I unknowingly became my own Salvation and set myself free. We all have a saving grace and it’s within ourselves, if we only dare to discover and choose it.
claimyourlife 